8.108 My spiritual journey of discovering God’s grace (Pt 2)

At the age of 12, I received a scholarship from the Singapore Government to study in Singapore. I stayed in a hostel and quickly found new Christian friends. I became active in the Christian Fellowship at my hostel.

I was not established in my faith and did not know how to grow in my relationship with God. Receiving Jesus at the age of 9 was a wonderful experience of His grace. I was moved by the love and grace of Jesus as a young child. I loved to sing songs like “Amazing Grace”, “Jesus Loves Me” and “The Old Rugged Cross”. It was so satisfying.

As a child, I depended on adults for support and encouragement; but as a teenager, I had to know God personally. I had to stand on my own feet. I was told that my standing with God depended on my own performance. I was told that I would be blessed if I was faithful to Him, and I would be punished if I failed to please Him. I was told that my spiritual well-being depended on my own performance in personal devotion, church attendance, evangelism and service to God. If I missed church, He would not bless my studies! That worried me a lot as a student.

I was a sincere Christian who tried hard to grow spiritually and to be a good Christian, but it was a struggle up a slippery rope. I kept my devotion everyday, even if I did not understand most of what I was reading. I went to church faithfully though my seniors often had to drag me out of slumber land. I served in church as an usher to please God.

As the CF committee member in charge of evangelism, I had to set an example. So I went street witnessing – though I was feeling far from God all the while. Often, I felt like a hypocrite sharing about this God whom I hardly knew.

I tried to be a good Christian but I was spiritually dry in spite of all I did. Finally, I got burnt out and became backslidden. God became less real and less relevant to me as time progressed. Christianity was an empty religion of Christian activities. I was busy pleasing God, but He seemed so far away. I didn’t really know Him at all.

So I began to rebel against this God (if He was indeed real) – who burdened me with rules I could not fulfill, and seemed so far away. Deed within, I cried, “Where was the loving God I once knew as a child?” The God of my teenage years seemed so different.

So I became occupied with my studies and was consumed with passion for competitive hockey, as I represented the Singapore Combined Schools team. Soon I started skipping church to study on Sundays. Finally, I stopped attending church altogether as I prepared for my Cambridge Ordinary Level examinations. Like many Christians, I had backslidden from my faith. Beloved, can you identify with my experience in any way?